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Chapter Nineteen
The Goo Cometh * The session starts right where we left off, with Bongo and the Big Shaqs facing off against the lizard-boi, shadow-man, and squid bloke (who is actually an Itholid as it turns out). ''' * '''The rolling of initiative commences, and Bongo charges forward with his mighty warhammer raised, uttering the bone-chilling war cry in a completely monotone voice, “Here comes THE BIG WEAPON.” Despite the lack of anger in the goliath’s voice, the trio of villains are paralyzed with terror as the shadow of the half-giant’s hammer falls over them. * Bongo swings his fearsome hammer, but at the last second slips on a banana peel that lay coincidentally upon the floor, and he misses the squid-faced freak by mere inches. Looking to his right, the goliath noticed Aigee eating a banana without the peel. * With Bongo slipping and sliding all over the place, the Itholid takes advantage of the situation and seizes control of the goliath’s mind, DOMINATING him. No longer in control of his own body, Bongo takes a swing at Aigee with THE BIG WEAPON. The Goo Fellow is not pleased by this shocking turn of events. ''' * '''Aigee casts invisibility upon Skimp, who starts goin’ to town on the shadow-man. As always, James dips her glove into the sacred Honey Gallon and leaps fearlessly into the center of combat, punching so fast their her fists are mere blurs. Rather than fight with his scythe or plethora of spells, Kaw lashes out at the foes with his slimy shoulder-tentacle, managing to grapple one of them and drive them to the floor where Daddy’s Wrath is promptly administered. * Keeping his distance from the heart of the battle, Old Man Klistmar conjures up a big ol’ fireball and hurls it at the three baddies, roasting them like Aunt Petunia cooking a pot roast for her monstrous son Dudley. ' * '''The battle rages onwards, with numerous crit fails courtesy of Crit Fail Kaw. The tengu goes in for a backhand against one of the villains, preparing to cast Slay Living upon the dastardly foe, but somehow misses completely despite the fact that Kaw is literally inches away from his target. The spirit of Urgathoa briefly appears, grabs Kaw’s bony crow-hand, slaps it onto the baddie, then screams at Kaw for his stupidity. ' * 'The invisible Skimp takes down the shadow-man with a devastating R.K.O. out of nowhere (much to the horror of Skimp’s comrades) and the lizard-boi finally succumbs to the roaring flames of Klistmar, leaving only the Itholid to be dealt with. The Bois crowd around the lone squid, including Bongo who has managed to snap out of the Itholid’s control. They crack their knuckles menacingly, preparing to take the squid down Jane Lane, straight to BONO. The squid looks like he’s planning to escape, so Kaw conjures up a foot-long iron stake and hurls it across the room into the squid’s knee. Having taken a spike to the knee, the Itholid’s days of adventuring are over. ' * '''The Bois interrogate the Itholid, but the fool isn’t talking. All he’ll slurp are the words, “We have nothing to say to you.” He suddenly backhands himself across the face, then instantly dies, perhaps for the best. If the itholid would have survived, he’d have been doomed to a life of being a hold guard, dealing only with petty thievery and drunken brawls, with a dull, unenchanted blade that could barely cut butter. The Itholid’s death spared him of that horrible existence. * Without pause, the Bois get to work looting the slain enemies, recovering an unholy longsword, a floating shield, and some gold. As they’re dividing the gold amongst themselves, the heroes hear some explosions and shouting coming from outside. Rushing out of Lokryn’s Academy, they are stunned to see three flying ships approaching from the distance, firing cannonballs. The ships are proudly waving Zorendal flags. * Cue The Captain's Retreat. ' * '''Delicious is dangling from a rope-ladder on the side of The Skyfoogle, beckoning at the Bois to hurry. The trusty crew of The Skyfoogle are quickly preparing for battle. Amongst the crew are fellows who go by the names Strawberry, Peaches, and Shifflet, who greet the Bois as they board the ship and get ready for combat. Although he is not the TRUE captain, Bongo takes hold of the wheel and steers the Skyfoogle, for the goliath possesses a vastly superior sailing skill than James’, and at the moment the monk has fallen into a deep slumber from which she will not awaken for many moons. “Battle stations!” Bongo roars as he steers the Skyfoogle towards the approaching enemies. Skimp and Aigee hop onto the cannons, while Kaw sticks to his trusty swivel gun. Klistmar hangs back to provide spells, and Little Man stays up in the crows nest, far from the grabby hands of the ratfolk rogue. ' * '''The Skyfoogle exchanges multiple blows with the enemy ships, managing to sink one of the Zorendal vessels. Kaw aims the swivel gun at the second ship’s mast and destroys it, rendering the ship immovable and its crew helpless. The third ship, upon witnessing the might of Bongo and the Bois, surrenders by raising a white flag. The Bois charge onto the mastless ship and force all the little Zorendal boys into the Skyfoogle’s brigg, without any food or water, so that they may torture and dispose of them later. * Bongo and Aigee then hatch a devious plan to finally dispose of the ex-convict Delicious once and for all. “Hey, Delicious,” Bongo calls over to the Skyfoogle, “come over here. We need your help looting this ship.” Delicious hesitantly replies, “Why me?” Aigee gurgles, “Don’t worry about it! Just get over here!!” The ex-convict meanders on over to the mastless ship, only to be immediately abandoned by The Goo Fellow and goliath. Bongo and Aigee then aim their cannons straight at the ship, planning to shoot it down with Delicious still on board. ' * '''Having realized that he’s been bamboozled, Delicious flies into a blind rage and takes control of the third ship that surrendered. Snatching the wheel, Delicious steers the ship off into the sunset, all the while shouting profanities back at Bongo and the Bugles, vowing to have revenge one day. As the convict sailed into the distance, Vulkyn briefly appeared to spew his usual drivel. The bois tried convincing the madman to catch Delicious, but the old coot wasn't having it. He threw Little Man a pack of Skittles then teleported back to his mountain. ' * '''“Welp, that happened.” says Skimp. “So now what?” Bongo cannot stand his separation from Thgil any longer. Once again grabbing the steering wheel, he flies The Foogle to every single Zorendal listening post across the land, hoping that he will eventually locate the tower that Thgil has taken command of. Skimp summons Urtarr and the bois sell some of the worthless junk they acquired from the recent battle; the unholy longsword among them. * After a few days of searching around the Zorendal Empire (during which the prisoners locked in the brigg are given nothing to eat or drink and have at this point resorted to cannibalism in order to prolong their bleak existence) Bongo finally spots a castle-tower that seems to be overrun by animals standing on their hind legs and wielding rudimentary weapons. ' * '''After anchoring The Skyfoogle and leaving the traumatized Sweece Meesely in the care of Little Man, Strawberry, Peaches, and Shifflet, the Bois head on over to the tower. Rather than put up a fight, the animals guarding the front gate beckon for Bongo and his comrades to enter. The inside of the tower looks exactly the same as what Bongo has seen in his visions: walls strewn with vines and flowers, and woodland animals scurrying all about. At long last, Bongo finally reunites with his wolf, who stands just as tall as a man on his hind legs, dressed in ornate crimson robes, a gleaming crown upon his brow. In a deep voice, Thgil addresses his former master, “Bongo. It is good to see that you and your companions have triumphed over that terrible drow fellow. You all appear to have grown much stronger than the last time I saw you. Welcome to my new home.” ' * 'The wolf and goliath reminisce over old times, laughing as they recall all their adventures and past battles, as well as all the years they spent traveling together while Bongo was still a young lad. Thgil explains that after drawing from the Deck Of Many Things, he found himself possessing a vast amount of intelligence. With this newfound intelligence, he took command of Zorendal Listening Post Alpha and began constructing his kingdom of animals. ' * '“Well, we’d better get going,” Bongo finally says, gesturing towards the anchored Foogle. “I’ve got an endless bag of peanuts if you’re hungry, Thgil.” However, the wolf is reluctant to rejoin Bongo and the rest of the Bois on their quest. Having declared himself as an individual, Thgil does not wish to return to his life as a mere pet. He and Bongo argue vehemently, Bongo refusing to leave without Thgil at his side, and Thgil refusing to leave behind his animal kingdom. ' * '''“I’m sorry, old friend, but I’ve made up my mind,” Thgil told the goliath firmly. “If you wish, I can offer you a new animal companion to join you in your travels.” * Realizing that his wolf is serious, Bongo gives Thgil a big ol’ hug as the rest of the Bois watch with tearful eyes. The heroes trundle back to The Skyfoogle, weeping softly. Before clambering back into the ship, Bongo waves a final farewell to his wolf. Then he rips a sapling out of the ground and once on board the Foogle he offers the sapling to Sweece Meesely. “Take this, my child,” says the goliath to the little scout, “perhaps this sapling will keep you from thinking about all your friends that Skimp slaughtered.” Meesely takes the sapling, rocking back and forth, muttering to himself, “Tree… I love tree.. tree.. tree… please kill me… I love tree…”. With a devilish grin, Kaw casts spark on the sapling, reducing it to a burnt stick. Meesely instantly starts screaming. “TREE!!!! TREE!!!!! KILL MEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!” ' * '''Bongo cannot believe what he just witnessed. ' * 'He immediately parks The Skyfoogle in the air, then marches across the ship to where Kaw stands. A heavy silence falls over the ship. The crew watch the goliath with wide, fearful eyes. Kaw’s grin fades as he realizes the folly of his actions. Before him looms Horum Bongo, and he does not look too happy with the crow. The smacking-hand is raised. ' * '''Before Kaw even knows what’s going on, the goliath backhands him hard enough to spin his head around on his shoulders. Papa grabs the tengu by his cracked beak and launches him off the side of the ship. The oracle hits the ground miles below, every bone in his body shattered. Bongo then refuses to allow him back onto the Foogle until he picks a new sapling, which he eventually does. * Back on the ship, the broken and humiliated Kaw forks the new sapling over to Sweece, grumbles an apology under his breath, then retires to his Closet for the night without any supper. Bongo returns to the wheel and resumes steering the ship, depressed that he and Thgil have parted ways. ' * '''Aigee approaches Bongo carefully and asks if he can change course and sail the Bois to an old shack that lies northwest of Shardstone. Aigee explains with numerous grunts and vigorous hand gestures that this shack is the home of the man who infected him with the goo when he was but a wee lad. In a strange and twisted way, Aigee looks up to this man as his father-figure, since the Goo Fellow never really got the chance to spend time with his true genie father. ' * 'Bongo, still on edge, glared down at the whimpering sulli. “If it means getting rid of the goo, then fine.” he said tersely. The bois sailed off to the madman’s shack, their spirits high with the hope that the dreadful Goo could perhaps be banished once and for all. ' * '''Along the journey Aigee briefed the bois about this man, speaking in a series of slurping sounds (by now, the Bois have grown accustomed to Gorg, and can perfectly understand his unusual dialect). He is an old gnomish alchemist named Julianus that took Aigee in after his parents mysteriously died. Julianus performed odd experiments on the helpless, orphaned child, attempting to unlock his sulli potential. The grey goo that has consumed Aigee’s body is the result of one of these terrible experiments gone wrong. * After a relatively uneventful trip in which the prisoners locked inside the brigg were poked through the bars of their cells with sharpened sticks for the Bois’ amusement, the heroes finally arrived at the freak’s shack, not questioning how Aigee was able to remember where it was after 50+ years. Bongo brought the Skyfoogle to a halt and the bois hopped down onto solid ground once more. The shack is a crumbling, dilapidated ruin, clearly the home of a hermit-lunatic. Aigee raps his gooey fist on the door until finally a small, disheveled-looking gnome answers. ' * 'Julianus’s Theme plays. ' * '“HEEEERE’S DADDY!” Gorg announces as soon as the door opens. Upon laying eyes on the gnomish man, Skimp immediately goes and vomits in the nearby shrubbery. “Who the hell are you people?” the gnome asked of the group, wiping his blood-smeared hands with a filthy rag. * “It’s me, Aigee-Gorg! Don’t you remember me?” Gorg said, gesticulating madly. Julianus put on a pair of bifocals and took a closer look upon Aigee. “Are you the little sylph girl that Paco told me about?” he asked, stroking his tiny beard, “Because if you are, you’re about three months late, I’ve already found another buyer.” * “What!” Gorg sputtered, “No! I’m the sulli kid that you adopted 50 some years ago, after my parents died!” * “Oh, yes, I remember now….” Julianus thought for a moment, “You and your parents were strolling through the woods one day and they got too close to my petunia garden.” he spoke casually, “So naturally I killed them both and kidnapped the child… which is you.” * “WHAT?!” Aigee cried, “YOU KILLED MY PARENTS?!??” he began shaking. “YOU TOLD ME THEY DIED IN A CAR ACCIDENT!” * “Oh calm down, Aigee. It’s not that bad.” the insane gnome explained, “Trust me, I didn’t just dispose of them, I used their corpses to make myself a new coat! The coat that you used to sleep on some nights.” again, his voice was a casual as could be, “In fact, I think I still have it around somewhere. Would you like to see it?” he asked calmly. * “Yeah show us!” Kaw screeched, raising his fist at the gnome. Aigee was teetering back and forth on the ground, crying. Bongo butted in, “We don’t want to see your corpse coat, you maniac!” Skimp reluctantly tried to comfort Aigee, considered putting his arm around him then thought of the hours upon hours in the shower it would take to wash the goo out of his fur, and only said, “Uhh… don’t cry, Aigee. My parents are dead too. And so are Bongo’s.” Skimp pondered, “Come to think of it, are all of our parents dead?” he looked over to Kaw, who merely shrugged. He then looked around for James, but remembered that she was “resting” on the SkyFoogle. Aigee wiped the tears off his face * “Why don’t you explain exactly what you did to Aigee. Tell us why he’s covered in goo.” Bongo demanded. Skimp pleaded, “Why? Why? WHY?” * “Oh, well, it’s all very simple, you see.” Julianus began, “You are aware that all races have their own unique racial abilities, yes?” all of the bois nodded, except for Bongo who couldn't think of anything unique about goliaths, “Good good. Well anyway, I wanted to know why that is. Why do some races have more profound abilities than others? I just had to know!” Julianus took a deep breath, then continued, speaking very fast and excitedly “So I experimented with various ways that I may increase one’s racial abilities. Then one day, I came across this young sulli boy, like I stated previously, and used him as my primary test subject! Over the years, I tried a multitude of potions and herbs and the like to tap into young Aigee’s hidden sulli powers. And… one faithful evening, I tried experimenting with a goo substance I created from various ingredients and reagents and… here we are!” he gestured to Aigee, “I waited a while for the goo to begin working, but, it never did! I must have waited nearly half a year for that damn goo to do what I created it to do! But, it simply refused to have any effect on Gorg! So, in my frustration, I dumped Aigee in the woods and never saw him again… until today of course.” he finished his rant. * Once again Skimp promptly vomits into the shrubs. ''' * '''The bois stood there silently for a moment, reflecting on what Julianus told them. Before any of them could say anything, the gnome started jacking his jaws once again, “And I’m assuming that the goo still has had no effect on you?” he asked Aigee. Aigee shook his head, no longer crying, but still unhappy. Julianus snapped his fingers, “Damn! But no matter, for I’ve discovered a better way to unlock your hidden sulli abilities!” he said cheerfully. * Julianus opened his mouth to speak again, but Skimp interrupted him, “So you killed an innocent married couple, then kidnapped their child, raised him as if he was yours, performed horrible life-altering experiments on him, then dumped him in the woods for 50 years?” “Precisely!” the freak affirmed. “But as I was saying…” he continued to the bois’ dismay, “There are a special kind of berries, called Malidava Berries, that do exactly what I wanted the goo to do! And I know where you can find them for me!” * “Alright alright. Just stop talking for two damn minutes!” Bongo rudely piped up, deeply annoyed by this sociopath, “Why the hell should we help you?” * Skrump started wallowing around in his puddle of vomit like the foul Mr. Gibbs wallowing in the pig pen of Tortuga, while also vomiting some more. Nobody took this act as strange and simply ignored the ratfolk. * “I think we should help him. Maybe the berries can get rid of the goo.” Aigee said, finally coming to terms with his horrible childhood. “It’s your call, Aigee.” Bongo said. * The bois reluctantly agreed to help the maniac and retrieve the Malidava Berries. According to Julianus, the last of the berries were stored with a personal demi-plane created by a man named Varenshala. The bois already knew this, they learned about it from Lokryn’s Academy. Julianus pointed the bois in the direction of portal them to Varenshala’s demiplane. “I must warn you! The demiplane is guarded by some fierce dragon cultists! You’ll have to get past them if you want the berries!” * “Yeah yeah, whatever.” the Bois said as they finally left the madman’s shack, ready to make short work out of the cultists. They boarded the Skyfoogle an set sail to the castle of the dragon cultists. whooshingfills the air as the Foogle soars the great Soresian skies. * The bois tried waking James from her slumber, but to no success, the sleeping giant refused to wake up. An odd stench came from James’ “sleeping” body, it smelled like a rotting corpse. Upon further inspection, James’ fur seemed to have shedded off and her skin was a sickly grey hue. Flies and maggots swarmed her body, eating away at her. ''' * '''Skimp found a note laying next to James, it read, “I just can’t go on with life anymore. I’m sorry. -Your Friend, James Hurley”. * “I wonder what all of this means….” Skimp pondered. * “Hey, take a look at this,” said Kaw, pointing at an empty pack of Tide Pods which lay near James’ outstretched paw. Upon sniffing the monk’s breath, Kaw recoiled in disgust and grunted, “Judging by her breath, she gobbled up this whole pack of laundry detergent. That’s weird. Everybody knows that Tide Pods are meant for cleaning clothes, not eating. If she was hungry, she could’ve just gone down to the brigg and eaten the prisoners.” ' * '“Well, whatever the case, we shouldn’t wake her up. Let her sleep.” Bongo said, heading back to the helm of the ship. “She’ll be awake and refreshed later.” * “Good night, James!” Aigee said as he left the panda’s room. Skimp stood silently for a moment, still pondering, “Somethin’ seems off about all of this…” he scratched his head in confusion. “What if she isn’t just sleeping?” he asked. * “Don’t be stupid Skimp! Of course she’s just sleeping!” Kaw squawked. Skimp shrugged, “Yeah, you’re probably right.” * While sailing on their way towards the castle where Varenshala’s plane awaited them, Aigee makes a strange discovery in his goo-covered bedroom. He finds a little locked bag sitting upon his nightstand. He fiddles with the lock for a long while, but to no avail, so he stashes it in the bindle for later. * After another uneventful trip, the bois arrived at the castle. “Come on, James! We’re goin’ on an adventure!” Kaw screeched down the hall from his closet. There came no response from the monk’s room. “Eh, whatever,” the crow shrugged. Bongo anchored the ship and put Schwifty in charge while he and the bois took care of the cultists, “took care” as in they all turned themselves invisible and snuck past all the baddies right under their noses. ' * '“We live... inside... a dream.” Bongo’s superimposed face said with a deep, slow slur. ' * '“...Uhhhh, what was that?” Skimp asked. The ratfolk received no reply. The bois turned themselves invisible thanks to Bongo and Aigee’s invisibility spells. The castle entrance was guarded by a few nasty fire elementals, who had no idea the adventurers were slinking past them. Into the castle the invisible Bois crept, through hallways and down staircases they tiptoed, not making a sound. No noise at all. SURVIVAL! * Everything was going off without a hitch, but Skimp nearly blew it when he pulled out his laptop and started playing his favorite video on Youtube at max volume. “Skimp!” Kaw hissed under his breath, “Turn that off!!” Skimp began screaming as a kerfuffle was heard. ' * '''A few seconds later the Bois’ invisibility wore off, and it was revealed that Skimp was crushed upon the ground, his laptop shattered. The rest of the Bois were looming over the obliterated rat, glaring down at him with bloodshot eyes. Aigee and Bongo worked their magic and once again the party vanished. “Let’s get a move on,” Bongo ordered, dragging the flattened Skimp by his lockpick-tail down the hallway. ' * '''Deep into the castle, the bois come across a large set of wooden doors. They slowly pushed the doors opened and saw a massive treasure hoard. The hoard includes sparkling gems, priceless trinkets and jewelry, and innumerable gold coins. Instantly Aigee’s eyes turned into dollar signs. “Money money money,” chuckles the Goo Fellow in a voice akin to that of an old, crusty crab. Skimp rubbed his rat-hands together greedily at the sight of the treasures. Aigee began hyperventilating over the vast quantities of gold. But, he’d best slow down, for there was a massive dragon sitting atop the gold mountain!!! Unlike the Adult Crypt Dragon the Bois faced in Abbadon, this dragon seems to possess a high level of intelligence and doesn’t immediately attack them. The bois’ invisibility had run out again. The dragon greeted them, “Hello there.” in a shrill, judgemental voice. He introduced himself as a noble dragon named Superintendent Chalmers. * “Gah! Superintendent Chalmers!” Principal Skinner says nervously, clearly caught off guard by the Superintendent’s presence on his doorstep. Chalmers opened his mouth and blasted Skinner with an encroaching inferno, incinerating the principal instantly. “Sorry about that.” Chalmers said, “So anyway, what do you four want?” Kaw quickly consumes the charred remains of Skinner, thus absorbing his power and ascending to Principal Kawkrookitar. He gets to work preparing the roast. ' * '“We’re here for the malidava berries!” Aigee squealed. * “MALIDAVA BERRIES???!” Superintendent Chalmers roars in disbelief. “AT THIS TIME OF YEAR?! AT THIS TIME OF DAY?! IN THIS PART OF THE COUNTRY?! LOCALIZED ENTIRELY WITHIN THIS CASTLE?!?!” * “Uhhh, yes…?” Aigee mumbled. * Chalmers starts convulsing as his mind is teleported back to Mỹ Lai. The screaming of slaughtered women and children deafens his ears as he holds down the trigger of his M16, spraying bullets into the fleeing crowds, roaring in triumph as the jungle around him burns to the ground and helicopters soar overhead dropping napalm. “So…” Aigee muttered, “Do you have ‘em or……..” he trailed off. A toothy grin spreads across Chalmers’ scaly face as he recalls his bloody past. * Chalmers snapped out of it within an instant, and said, as if nothing strange had happened, “Yeah I have them here. Right behind me is the portal to the demiplane.” * A voice rings out through the castle, “I’m a whole damn town!” it yells excitedly. * Ignoring the excited voice, Chalmers continued, “But I’m not just gonna let you head in there without doing something for me first. I want you gentlemen to kill of all my ‘worshippers.’ I’ve grown bored of them.” * The cards were on the table and the bois had to make a choice. Chalmers’ proposition was one option, another was that they could slay the dragon himself. After some critical comparisons and analyses of both scenarios, the bois decide that fighting Chalmers probably wouldn't be too wise. So they agree with the dragon’s offer and head to leave. The Bois huddle up and Bongo tells the others, “So, here’s the plan. We head back outside and simply barrage this castle with cannonfire from the Skyfoogle. Blow this place, and everybody in it, to kingdom come. Simple as that.” the Bois agree to this plan eagerly, ready to blow stuff up. * Bongo and Aigee turn everyone invisible once more, and just like before, they sneak by all of the cultists completely unnoticed. They got back outside of the castle and hollered up to the Foogle, “FIRE! FIRE THE CANNONS!” * James peeped over the side of the Foogle, looking as normal and a fine as ever, she gave a thumbs up then hopped to action. “YOU HEARD THE BOIS! FIRE!” she yelled to the crew. Strawberry, Peaches, and Schwifty manned the cannons, ready to lay siege to the castle. Down below, the worshippers looked up at The Skyfoogle with utter terror, realizing their complete obliteration is nigh. Some of the more musically inclined crewmates aboard the foogle formed an orchestra and began playing The Captain’s Retreat. * While all this is going down, Aigee begins fiddle-diddling with the mysterious locked bag once again, and to his surprise he manages to open it. He reaches inside… and his gooey hand closes around the hilt of what feels like a whip. Immediately a twisted grin creeps across his face as he realizes that his demented fantasies of whipping Skimp into submission will soon come to fruition... ''' * '''SESSION END!